You couldn’t brace yourself because you never saw it coming. Your sense of safety and security is shattered in an instant, and the shock is imprinted on your body and mind. Your heart breaks, you feel like you got sucker punched, and the pain is so raw, consuming, and overwhelming you can barely breathe. Someone close to you, possibly a family member, partner, or friend, just pulled the rug out from underneath you—lies you so easily believed and actions you dismissed because it never crossed your mind that the one you trusted the most could ever hurt you or the people you love.
You thought this person was good This was a person you loved, trusted, and believed.
This is what it feels like to be blindsided by ABUSE. To think the person you loved would harm the greatest gift in the world. My life was flipped upside down in an instant, being blindsided, shattered made me feel dull numb and well you now know why I deal with emotional blunting. Thankful I did not turn to medication and spiral down that hole but threading water felt just as bad. Some days my auto pilot was on overdrive and well others days I would get a glimpse of light, Either way I surrender to a bed cold, filled with rage and resentments, asking myself how I missed all the signs, my GPS was disabled and to be honest God was the last person I wanted to speak to,…. until …..…that moment when I fell to the ground sobbing because I wasn’t able to move, lost all faith, a part of me that did not trust anyone, and you know who voice I heard, yes you guessed it GOD, he say trust me little one, it will all turn out for the BEST!
I didn’t have much choice so I went with God, and from that day on I never let him go. I would hear him during the day, sometimes it was muttered by shame, old patterns and beliefs but the more I open a space to dialogue the less pain. I begun to forgive myself for not knowing, not thinking anyone would do something so awful to someone we love. Without getting into details what I can say today “I believe without a shadow of doubt it did turn out for the BEST”.
I really wish I would have been able to shelter more and take all the pain for this lesson but I still hold faith and trust in God. IF you have ever been in a situation where you felt helpless and hopeless because someone you loved did the unthinkable know if you seek and keep your heart open God will make all the difference in the world.
I just needed to get myself out of the way and see the writing on the wall. I was realizing that we learn our greatest lessons not from our successes but from our failures. My remedy for abuse became a step by step reckoning and rebuilding. I needed to take my life puzzle and start from scratch, to rebuild it, one piece at a time.
Abuse affects us physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Abuse can be cast upon us by someone we relied on for love and support, or inflicted on ourselves. I was living with both. Some people said ”just get over it,” “there is no way this happened” not realizing abuse is a REAL THING, Ego is the bully on the playground, the court system and lawyers proved this reality to me daily.. DUll and numb me allowed them to take me on a dark ride.
It can be difficult to see through the forest when you are standing amidst the trees. I got stuck, being dull and numb held me back from living and to be honest I felt good there because I did not feel like I deserved anything else. How did I miss the signs, why did not not follow the gut instincit? WHY WHY WHY. Living without trust keep me in fear therefore growth was not part of my plan.
One day because of Love I begun putting my pieces back together. I had days where i felt like I was on the first step, alone, angry. hurt, why bother, not knowing what to do. Than it came to me stop., reset, move. One step at a time, and guess what, after weeks, months, 7 years I woke up and I had reached the top.